Previously on Married With Children;
Thanks, Al. For the first time in our marriage, you're leaving me satisfied.
That satisfaction, however, was short-lived.
Don't worry, Mom. We'll never leave you.
Meanwhile, Al reinvented himself.
And while Peggy's luck turned for the better...
- You have a big ego. - It matches my wallet and my car.
... AI's luck, well...
Oh, Al, that's a beaut.
I haven't seen a shiner that bad since I told my wife...
...she was starting to look like Al Roker.
Well, it looks like Marcy was right.
She said it was only a matter of time...
...before some woman beat the holy hell out of you.
I'll have you know I got this black eye last night...
...explaining to a jealous boyfriend...
...how the little lady would rather stay with me.
Well, where is she?
I sent her out shopping for a new waterbed.
This one has a leak, and I worry so when she bounces.
So you just tell Marcy that I'm doing just fine with the ladies.
That Al Bundy is not only moving in the fast lane...
...he's doing wheelies in it, baby.
Is that true, Al? About the girl?
Every word of it.
Except the guy's name was Sasquatch, the girl left with him...
...and there's an odour coming from that bed scares even me.
Are things really that bad?
Yes, things are that bad.
Married men can never go back to being single. See, there's this gene...
...it's called the single gene. It's in us when we're born...
...but as soon as we marry, it mysteriously disappears.
Nobody knows why, but I suspect it's removed...
...chromosome by chromosome by our wives.
And how would they go about this?
Do we really know why they own so many tweezers?
So, Al, if they don't like us being single...
...why do they keep kicking us out of the house?
That's part of their cruel tricks.
See, without the single gene, we're helpless.
We just wander around, smelling of Rogaine and gin...
...until finally, we fall off our toilets and die.
Well, lookie here.
You know, I would have thought grocery shopping for you...
...would involve swinging from trees.
I'd love to stand here and chat with you, Marce...
...but I'd think standing this close to the fryer section...
...would make you a little nervous.
So I guess I'll just mosey along.
Fine. I was gonna talk to you about Peggy...
...but you wouldn't be interested anymore.
- Peg? Is Peg here? - No.
She's getting her hair done for a little dinner party...
...that she's throwing tonight.
- Oh, Peg is throwing a dinner party. - That's right.
She has a date with a wealthy, gorgeous man.
She asked me to pick out a nice wine for us.
Oh, excuse me. Do you have a hearty Bordeaux?
Wine is aisle four. Just step over Mrs. Bradley.
Oh, excuse me. I'm spending the evening with a supermodel...
...and are these all the condoms you have?
Of course not.
I have more in back, right next to the reality pills.
Let me get them.
Well, Al, have fun with your supermodel.
Try not to get any paper cuts.
Okay, bullet head. We both know what's going on here.
I don't have a date tonight, and Bonbon Betsy...
...isn't giving any dinner party.
Right, Al.
Yeah, the truth is, is that Peggy was hoping...
...that you could come to dinner tonight.
I tried to talk her out of it, but you know how stubborn...
How about I get there around 6? Is that okay?
Perfect. See you at 6.
"Ribbed for her pleasure."
They're never happy.
Hey, this isn't even warm.
- Well, we'll help you out. - Yeah.
After all, we wanna make a good impression on Stepdaddy.
- That's right. - Which you are...
...since you are currently in Brazil, saving the rainforest.
We are? I hope we meet Sting.
Mom, why don't you want us to meet this guy?
Same reason you never wanna bring your dates home to meet me.
Stepdaddy's a lazy, bonbon-swilling Opraholic?
Do you know how difficult it is for a single working mom to meet a man?
Wait a minute. Let's see. You don't work...
...and technically, you're not single.
And you've never really been much of a mom.
Bud, how could you say that?
She raised two kids who are about to save the rainforest. Hello?
Let me put it this way:
Either you get out of here, or I'm gonna send you to live with your father.
So would anyone like some more potato salad?
No, no.
Well, I hope you're all enjoying your meal.
I've been enjoying this bite for half an hour.
What is this delightful crunchy coating?
Well, that's rust from the pan.
You know, iron is really good for you.
I hope you saved room for dessert.
Oh, God. I wonder what dessert's gonna be.
Phlegm brulée?
I'll go find out.
Bruce, why don't you tell Jefferson about those car dealerships you own?
Suck up to him, honey. It could mean a job.
Have you heard about the new Korean car?
It's got a Sun Myung Moon roof.
Rich and funny. God, I'm a catch.
Oh, he's wonderful, Peggy.
He reminds me of Jefferson, except with his own credit cards.
- I know. You know, he is perfect, but l... - lf you don't want him, I'll take him.
- Well, what about Jefferson? - Who's Jefferson?
Are you all right?
All right, all right, here we go. Up, up. Come on, up.
Jefferson must really want a job.
If you didn't like it, you could have just spit it up into your napkin.
No, no, no, that was wonderful...
...it's just that I hate to see you slaving away in the kitchen.
From now on, we eat out.
Can we go to one of those fancy French places?
Well, my darling, if this year-end Yugo-palooza sale...
...goes as well as I expect, I'll be taking you to dine in Paris.
Ever made love in the Eiffel Tower?
Well, no, but once I frenched a guy in the Sears Tower.
Al. Well, what are you doing here?
I invited him.
Al, I'd like you to meet Peggy's new boyfriend...
...Bruce.
Look, Jefferson, we have our Christmas card.
Gee, Peg, you really have a new boyfriend.
Well, this is an awkward moment.
Fortunately, I'm so self-centred it's not gonna bother me.
Well, me either.
The only reason I accepted Marcy's invitation was an excuse...
...to see my dog.
Hey there, fella. How you doing there?
Hey, I brought you some bonbon biscuits here.
You can't imagine how I miss this guy.
Didn't he used to be bigger?
That was Buck.
Well, goodbye, all. I gotta be going.
Frankly, coming back to this house is giving me the willy-squidgets.
Oh, well, let me show you out. This is the happiest day of my life.
Hey, no problem.
Well, that went well.
Here's some flowers for you.
I can't believe we finally get to meet Stepdaddy.
Now, remember, he's gonna be trying to buy our affection.
So to really rake it in, I suggest we play hard to get.
Play what?
Hard to get.
It's like when you have a date and you decide to wear a bra.
- Oh, right. Okay, baby, I got it. - Yeah. There you go.
Kids, Bruce will be here any minute.
Now, remember: Put your best foot forward.
What's she talking about? They look exactly the same.
- That's him. He's here. - Now, remember: hard to get.
- Hi. I'm Bruce... - Hi.
We love you, Stepdaddy.
Kelly, Kelly. That's not playing hard to get.
It is for me.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, I thought you two would be in Brazil, saving the rainforest.
Oh, well, we had to come back because we forgot our umbrellas.
It was, like, raining, you know what I mean?
Actually, we live here.
You ought to know that Kelly and I are extremely protective...
...of our dear mother. We want only the best for her.
Oh, me too.
That's why I've been thinking that maybe you two should be leaving...
...this split-level Porta-Potty...
...and taking responsibility for your own lives.
He's a wicked stepdaddy.
Kelly, hug him hard, and don't let go until you got his wallet.
Well, I see you've met my daughter. Are we still dating?
Yes, of course. Yes.
But this would make a great Penthouse letter.
- You have to dump him. - Yeah.
- He's a bad man. He's a very bad man. - He doesn't like us.
Yeah, but most people don't.
Have you ever thought that it might be you?
Mom, he's trying to take you away from us.
I know that, and don't you try to stop him.
All right, all right.
We didn't wanna have to tell you this, but he's a woman.
And he touched me.
You wish.
Now, look, I know that Bruce isn't perfect...
...and he doesn't have your father's animal magnetism...
...or his animal scent or his hairy knuckles...
...but what he does have is money.
Enough to turn me into a lady of leisure.
Mom, if you were any more leisurely, you'd be unconscious.
Yes, but I'd be unconscious on a suede couch...
...with a big-screen TV...
...and a maid serving me bonbons, right, Bruce?
I get it now. He's just using Mom to get his green card.
Should you do me the honour of becoming Mrs. Right...
...l'm sure you'll wanna learn how to cook and clean.
Why can't I have a maid? You're rich.
And I plan to stay that way.
I certainly don't wanna end up like this.
What about eating out all around the world?
Oh, we can do that while we're courting.
But as we say in the car business...
...you don't have to kiss ass once you close the deal.
And just what makes you think that I wanna close the deal?
I just assumed that.
I mean, a top-of-the-line model like myself...
...doesn't stay long on the showroom floor.
And although you are very attractive...
...we can't turn your odometer back.
Excuse me, but nobody talks to my mother like that.
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it, junior?
Kelly?
If you're in the market for a used car, call me.
Get out of here.
You know what Dad would do if he was here now?
He'd lead us in a "Whoa Bundy."
Yeah, but he's not here, so it's a "No Bundy."
What are you saying, Mom? You miss Dad?
More than words can say.
I told you.
Technically, my rent is not due until after the 15th of the... Hi, Peg.
- Hi, Al. Can I come in? - In here?
Oh, yeah. Just a minute, Peg. Excuse me.
Come in.
Sorry the place is a little bit of a mess here, but, well...
...I live here.
Oh, that's okay. You know, I just came over...
...to talk about the kids.
Yeah. Sorry, Peg, I'd take the kids off your hands...
...but the manager here says that he won't allow pets or kids...
...and Bud and Kelly fall in there somewhere.
Oh, it's not that. It's just that...
Well, you know, I'm worried about Bud.
He's been getting into fights lately, and I thought you should know about that.
Well, I certainly should. I am still the boy's father...
...and if he's getting in fights, I should be there to congratulate him.
I'll stop over tomorrow right after work.
Okay.
So how is work?
Oh, you know, can't complain.
Well, you could try.
You know, the kids and I kind of miss your little shoe stories.
Well, there was this woman who came in the store today...
...tried on every black high heel we had in stock...
...and then told us she was just browsing.
So just as she was leaving...
...someone plugged her right in the ass with a 7 EEE clog.
Don't know who.
Someone who could rifle a football 40 yards downfield, I'll bet.
Could be.
So how are things with you, Peg?
Oh, pretty good. Marcy sends her hate.
Marcy. An amazing amount of spunk for a stick figure.
You know what, Al? I brought you something.
See? It has your name right on the label.
"A. Bundy."
You bought me my own TV Guide.
Well, you know, we have been married for 25 years.
Since you were 18 and I was 9.
Yeah. Boy, we had some good times, didn't we, Peg?
Didn't we?
Gee, I haven't given it much thought. Probably.
Well, I guess I better be going.
Oh, what am I thinking? I don't have a ride.
Kelly and her date dropped me off.
Oh, well, I suppose I could give you a ride.
- lf it wouldn't be too much trouble. - No, no trouble.
Well, Peg, here we are.
- Here we are where? - Come on, Peg.
Don't you remember Maple Lane? And the maple tree on Maple Lane?
Oh, Al. This is where we parked the very first time we...
Yep.
The first time we ever had a fight.
I don't remember much about the fight, but I sure do remember making up.
Oh, Al.
Since this was our biggest fight ever, will we have our biggest makeup ever?
You got that right, babe.
Just like this car, we're built to last.